Ten skills every new parent should acquire

1. One-armed dish washing, vacuuming and cleaning in general. Bid farewell to your other arm as it will soon be permanently attached to a child.

2. The ability to do things with a moving target. Namely, but not limited to, diaper changing, clothing and hair fixing.

3. The ability to be unfazed and unembarrassed by the things your children do in public. This will allow you to smile and hold your head high while being followed through a store by a wailing child.

4. Develop the patience of a saint. I have no recommendations as to how to do this. I'm still working on it. But if I had it, I'm sure my children would be better off.

5. Learn to drive rather large vehicles. Almost every parent will, at some point in time, drive a vehicle larger than they ever intended to drive.

6. Develop selective hearing. For this, you must close yourself in a padded room with a screaming child and see how long you can last. Increase the time each attempt. This is called immersion therapy. It comes highly recommended in order to deaden eardrums before your own screaming child arrives on the scene.

7. Potty train. Start with an animal. I have managed to potty train four and a half children and while I have survived, my recommendation is to avoid it at all costs. Hire someone to do it for you, if necessary.

8. Selective sight. This particular gift comes in handy if you are a less than stellar housekeeper. It allows you to see your house as clean while not recognizing the piles of clutter that surround you, thus allowing you to do such activities as reading and blogging.

9. Learn to develop a strict bedtime and nap time. This is for your survival. Don't ever let them go or you will be doomed. (Doomed to what, I'm unsure, but doomed nonetheless.)

10. Finally, develop a sense of humor. That way, when your newborn poops on you, your toddler draws on walls, or your six year old jumps off a six-foot wall, you have something to keep you from going insane. So laugh, by golly!