There's a tiny person growing inside of me. She is making me large and round. I can't wait to meet her, but I'm glad we still have some time left, the two of us. This part of pregnancy comes with mixed emotions for me. There's nothing more amazing than feeling a little person wiggle and squirm inside me. I can tell when she has hiccups. I know when she's sleeping and when she's awake. It's amazing how much I already know about her.
At the same time, I lug my cumbersome, large, body around, and think how nice it will be to reclaim my body. I can't bend over very well anymore. Getting up from the recliner is all but impossible at this point. I have many aches and pains. Sleeping is becoming challenging as I have to lift myself, my belly and all my pillows just to roll over at night. And I still have two months to go. Approximately sixty-six days.
But I'm not ready to have her here yet. We still have things to do before she joins us. Things to buy. A toddler to prepare. And I know I am approaching the end of this particular part of motherhood. This pregnancy part, though neither of us are ready yet to say "this is it", it very well could be. We will have six children, and that's a lot.
All this thinking takes me back to our first child. The one we lost. The one we hardly knew about before it was gone. We were so young and when I suffered the miscarriage, the following months filled me with such uncertainty. I knew too many women that couldn't have children, or struggled for years before being blessed. We had no idea for months if that would be our struggle as well. I remember how incredibly happy and nervous I was when, six months later we finally conceived our son. And here we are, so many years later, never having thought we would be blessed five more times. Each time I am eternally grateful.
Childbearing is filled with such pain and happiness, yet I think many are reluctant to leave those years behind. I know I will be. I think there's a sense of relief to be done with those years, yet I wonder if I will ever not miss feeling a little being growing inside me, knowing that I am able to provide such sweet spirit's life.
It's such an amazing ability we women have been given, such a privilege. Yet, as I was taught as a child, with privilege comes responsibility. And as I've since learned, a great deal of work.